There have been a few times lately where I feel like crumbly cookie dough before you’ve added any liquid in. Maybe you’ve mixed the butter and sugar and flour, and even though pieces are sticking together it’s still kind of dry. Then you add in two eggs and suddenly you have perfect cookie dough before you, and your mouth is watering and you can’t stop yourself from eating it by the spoonful.

Lately, I feel like cookie dough before the eggs are added. Like I’m just barely held together. And somehow exercise has become my binding agent – running in particular. There’s a paragraph in the beautifully-written novel The Time Traveler’s Wife where Henry DeTamble explains how running can help keep him from disappearing into time, and that feeling has stayed with me since the first time I read it. He says, “Running is many things to me: survival, calmness, euphoria, solitude. It is proof of my corporeal existence, my ability to control my movement through space if not time, and the obedience, however temporary, of my body to my will.” I understand what he’s saying. I don’t accidentally time travel when I don’t run, but when I do, the path before me is clear and certain. Everything comes into sharp focus; everything is held together. I picture the air around me as more clear, yet pressing against me on all sides, keeping me from crumbling. And there’s balance in motion – like riding a bike. You have to keep moving to stay balanced on a bicycle. Running keeps me balanced just like it keeps me held together.

I have had recurring calf injuries steadily for the past year, which means I’m not running as much as I want. Every time I feel my calf clench, I know I’m out for six weeks; it’s a slow build-up back to normal running. It’s infuriating not to run, because nothing can replace it. Certain forms of movement, like steep hiking and skate skiing, come close, but nothing holds me together the way running does.

When I examined the fury I feel at not running — and that’s how it feels, like fury — I realized that nothing gets me high like running. Nothing leaves my body and brain feeling so alive and strong and exhilarated and humming. And that fury at not being able to run, that powerlessness, that desire to just get out there and go — that’s addiction right there. I’m a total crack addict for running. I can’t imagine a life without it, but that future could certainly be out there. What would that future be like? Would I get through the withdrawal process and stop missing it, the way someone who hasn’t had a drink in 20 years doesn’t think about booze anymore? Would I become fat? I’d miss the running community – much like, I suppose, an alcoholic misses his drinking buddies. I’ve read that many long distance runners are former addicts and it makes sense. I’m addicted to endorphins.

So even as running is my binding agent, it’s also my crack. It’s what holds me together, but it keeps me wanting more. It leaves me crumbly and weak in its absence, and it beats up and injures my body all the while cooing buzzy endorphin lullabies.

I’m coming back from a calf injury and got to run two minutes/walk four minutes for 36 minutes today, out on a bright snowy spring trail in the mountains. It felt amazing. I can’t wait until next week when the ratio goes down to three minutes of walking.